kirandashaune’s blog

Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone; to have a deep soul relationship with another; to be loved throughly and exclusively. But God, to a Christian says: " No, not until you are satisfied, fullfilled, and content with being loved by Me alone, and with having an intensely personal and unique relationship with Me alone, discovering that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found; only then will you be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you. You will never be united with another until you are united with me. Exclusive of anyone else, exclusive of any other desires or longings, I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan existing, one that you cannot imagine. I want you to have the best. Please allow Me to bring it to you. You just keep watching me, expecting the greatest things; keep experiencing the satisfaction that I am. Keep listening and learning to the things that I tell you. You just wait. That's all. Don't be anxious. Don't worry. Don't look around at the things others have gotten or that I've given them. Don't look at the things you think you want. Just keep looking off and away up to Me or you'll miss what I want to show you. And then, when you're ready, I'll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than any you would dream of. You see, until you are ready, (and I am working even at this very moment to have both of you ready at the same time,) until both of you are satisfied exclusively with Me and the life I have planned for you, you wont be able to exerience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me; and this is perfect love. And dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love; I want you to see in flesh a picture of your relationship with Me; and to enjoy materially and concretely the love that I offer you with Myself. Know that I love you utterly.I am God. Believe and be satisfied.

my true feelings? well, they're complicated. i've never hid my feelings, well not since I made the decision to stop hiding from myself five years ago. here's how i feel.

there's no denying my love for reshard. anyone that knows me knows that i love that man with every fiber of my being. i have been so blessed to have him in my life and i know its the real thing. most definitely, it's the real thing. i think us spending time apart was essentially the best thing for us.

i truly believe that God has been preparing us for each other. you have to know us and see us to understand it. i think at the time, we stopped being good for each other. it started being destructive. God allowed us to come apart because we stopped being focused on the right things. we were distracted. so we broke up. during that two month plus period, he was slowly but surely preparing us for each other again. we both did things we needed to do in order to fulfill our curiosity. we now know where we want to be.

i have to admit, i hate that i've hurt another person with the decision i made. i was in a relationship with someone else and it was good, i'm not going to lie. it was also new. we were both headstrong people who laid our hearts on the table and openly expressed our feelings about each other. it was great. there was no hesitation or reservations about spilling our deepest secrets. i'll admit, inside i knew it couldn't last. the number one reason was our age difference. he was eighteen years older than me. it could NEVER work. he literally could've been my uncle. it wouldn't work given the realm we dwell in. seattle's gospel world is soo small, even smaller than back home. everyone knows everyone else and everyone is all up in everyone's business. it couldn't last. it could work, it just wouldn't last.

lately, i'm finding that i miss him. not necessarily him, but what we had. maybe because it was new and fresh and so easy. i wasn't afraid of him hurting me or not returning the feelings i could've developed. i knew he enjoyed my company and would rather be in my arms than anywhere else. he was my cuddle buddy. we got along. we were friends. you would think that i would forget everyone else once me and reshard were back together, and really- i have forgotten a lot of people. i am so focused on making him happy. i think the problem is, he is still craving his independence and his space. daniel never needed his space. he was happy with me being around whenever and wherever. sadly, shard isn't the same way. i think because reshard sometimes sees me as clingy, it bugs me and because we were fighting last week because he was secretly festering over his space issues- it made me miss daniel. i don't want to be with him, don't get it wrong. i want to be right where i am.

i guess, i just want to feel needed and wanted ALL of the time. not just when it's convenient.

if you would have told me, two years ago, that my life would be going this way, i probably would have laughed. hard. it's so amazing how God works. you think you're headed in one direction; you start planning and you're doing everything you think is right for you and then BAM! your life takes a sudden new direction. God interjects His will and, in my case, you're lying flat on your back trying to get back up. it's so amazing.

i love my life. it's not always what i want. it's typically never what i expect. but it's mine and it's amazing.